Musings of a Lunatic
This is where it starts people. The Awful that is AwfulWorld.com. This is where I get to bitch about the things that bother me, and believe me- there's plenty.
You may be offended by what you're about to read, but to be honest with you I really don't care. I'm not in the business of caring. If I was, this site wouldn't have the clever moniker that it does. It's a pretty safe bet that it would be called something like "Uncle Happy's Silly-Fun-Make you feel happy-Awesome-Land.com". It's not. It's AwfulWorld.com, and it's mine. You start paying for my bandwidth and I'll let you have an opinion. Until then, sit down, shut up, and read on.
This page is about whatever twisted little things suddenly pop into my mind. On any given day, something in the world will either bother, irritate, vex, disgruntle, aggravate, disturb, peeve or annoy me. This is where you will learn about those things.
There's really a lot more that bothers me than I thought. In fact, probably more than what should be considered healthy. Everywhere I go or everywhere I look, something is likely to piss me off, and I think it's time the world knew about it. It's time we took notice of these things and worked together to fix them.
Let's start with my least favorite place- where Satan himself lives- the Supermarket.
Every time I go into the store, I question the labeling of my favorite foods. It all started when I picked up a bag of walnuts. I like walnuts, they have shells, and it's fun to crack open the shells to get to the nut. I don't like walnuts without the shell, there's just no challenge in it. It's for this reason that I prefer to purchase my walnuts in the shell. This is where the trouble began...
As I was wandering through my favorite store, the A&P, when I saw the bag that started it all. Clearly, it was a labeling error I thought. The nuts in the bag had obviously been removed from their shells, yet the bag still said "shelled". When I asked several members of my family and a few friends, they all said the same thing: "That's the way you say it, shelled nuts have been removed from their shells, just get over it."
I couldn't just get over it, I was too irritated. I began seek out other such anomalies in the store, and was shocked to find such labeling issues transcended the nut aisle. I was in the mood for a snack that wasn't just candy, so I ventured down the aisles, seeking out something snacky, but necessarily unhealthy. I thought for a second, and decided that I really wanted some nice big Spanish olives. When I got to the Goya section I looked for a small jar of my favorite olives, the kind WITHOUT PITS. I hate olives with pits, they're just a pain in the ass. Why can't they grow them without pits, like grapes? When I saw labels that read "Large Pitted Olives", I was quick to dismiss them, since I hate pits. When I grabbed a jar that didn't mention being pitted I was infuriated to find that there were indeed pits in my beloved olives! When I glanced back over to the "Pitted" section, every olive in every jar had a hole in it, where the pit used to be! Pitted? I think not! I'd been bitten by the same labeling demon that made the "Shelled" nuts!
Now, very angry with the grocery world, I was on a mission. I went to the produce section, to see what else I'd find. When I got there, I was shocked to find out the items there, actually seemed to be free of the labeling inconsistencies of the rest of the store! For example: Carrots. My kids love baby carrots, or at least big carrots cut to look like them. Like every good parent, I'd never give my kids carrots unless they were washed and peeled first. PEELED, remember that word...
When I found a bag of carrots that was the right price and size, I looked at the label. It said in big letters: PEELED & WASHED, READY TO EAT. Now, if this was a bag of nuts, the concept of being ready to eat and peeled would be a bit of an oxymoron, since anything with the shell is most certainly NOT ready to eat. Upon closer inspection, I found the carrots to be devoid of peel. In my opinion, they were most assuredly- PEELED. I bought them.
I wanted grapes, so over to the grapes I went. I need grapes sans seeds for the aforementioned children, so I searched for bags that made mention of a lack of seeds. I was very happy to see that the bag was labeled perfectly, it simply said, "Seedless Grapes". Not "seeded" or "unseeded" it said "seedless". There was no room for confusion here, so I tossed 'em in the cart, smiled and said, "Satan lives in the grocery department!"
Here's a few things that would really be odd, if the followed the "nuts and olives" naming convention:
Bananas: If they were PEELED, they'd go bad real fast, no?
People: If we were DRESSED, we'd get into some real trouble when we went out!
Salad: If it was TOSSED, we'd have to mix it up.
Some things could actually work in someone's favor if used properly:
Mechanic: "Yes, Mrs. Jones, your car is FIXED, you'll need to leave it with me for a little while longer
It's really not just the supermarket. My gripe is really with the majority of the English language. It's really pretty ridiculous. Some of it just doesn't make any damned sense. Read on, become enlightened. Share my wisdom!
I once heard a comedian point out a very good question, it was either Carlin or Gallagher. He asked "Why do you park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?"
That's a darn good question. Doesn't a turnpike mostly go straight? How 'bout some spelling nonsense, like these:
Lead. Hmm, what could I be talking about? Command an army or some soft, yet heavy metal that's poisonous? It's not even pronounced the same!
What if we were in the woods, and you asked me if I preferred a wood floor, or a carpeted one? When I replied "bare", would you freak out and hide up a tree?
Why are there ANY silent letters?
Why are there so many letters with the same sound? Why can't I just spell it SIRKIS or go to a ZU?
DO: Sounds like "dew"
NO: Sounds like "new"? Nope.
Hear: Sounds like "heer"
Bear: Sounds like "beer"? Nope again.
And wait- there's more!
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why sanitize needles used for lethal injections?
If Corn oil is made from squeezing corn, and Olive Oil is made by squeezing olives, Soybean Oil from squeezing soybeans.... then I think we should probably do something about the manufacturing of Baby Oil. It just doesn't seem right.
Who's making motor oil? They must be strong!
Ok, along the walnut and olive bend, what about sweetened ice tea, wouldn't that mean that the tea had the sweet taken out? Or caffeinated coffee, no caffeine? NO! of course not, that's called DE-Caffeinated..
Updates from 3/16/2006
Why do people say they trade "goods" and services? Why not just say they trade stuff and services? Who'd admit to trading crap? You'd never say you were trading "bads", would you?
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