Separated by Circumstances

They were in love, not once... but twice. 
     The first time was what he needed, and he alone.  She had needs, but he couldn't fulfill them.  His own inner torment and confused feelings quickly took him over, and pushed her away.  How could she stay when all she could do was cry and watch as everything she did for him just wasn't enough.  He had her love, but didn't know what to do with it.  It wasn't even really her love that he needed, rather her affection.  He had been starved of it in the past.  Deprived of it for years, it was all he sought in her, the love was simply an added bonus.

     The second time was what they both needed, albeit briefly.  She was sad, she'd been hurt, and he hated seeing her that way.  He truly loved her, he always had.  His love for her made him cry when she cried, laugh when she laughed, and happy when she was happy.  He hated that she had been alone, but hated more that the new love she though she found was cruel to her.  A brief meeting with no intentions other than to talk and share a table led to a goodbye that opened up emotions once thought lost forever.  A look into the endless depths of her piercing blue eyes made feelings surface in both of them, and an overwhelming desire to kiss was replaced by a silly gesture and a nervous pat on her head. 
     Soon, they were together again and the love more powerful than before.  His life had begun to become more simple (but sadly, still too complicated to share with anyone else) and he was able to devote more attention to her.  Too much attention, it seemed.  They spent so much time together, that they left no time for themselves.  The thought that the other wanted to see them all the time drove the two of the apart.  Had they talked more, communicated more, perhaps love might have survived, but perhaps is a vague word with no real meaning.  In this case, "perhaps" replaces "maybe" and "maybe" is little more than an attempt to place blame on an act (or acts) or behavior.  "Maybe if they'd spent more time apart they'd still be together."  It sounds nice, but holds little value.  "Maybe if I had a better job, I'd have more nice things" also sounds nice, but means nothing other than that the speaker has a lousy job and chooses to do nothing about it.
     So, in a short time, love began to fade and was quickly replaced with fondness, which wasn't enough to keep them together, and they parted as lovers  once again.  This time, they parted as friends and vowed to each other to keep it that way.  He loved her, and she him, but not in the romantic sense. 

     As close as close friends could be is what they'd become, telling all of the secrets that friends tell and sharing all of the tales friends share.  He'd listen to her cry about boys that broke her heart, she'd listen to tales of girls that broke his.  He cried when she cried, laughed when she laughed, was happy when she was happy, hated when she was alone, and hated more when the new love she'd found made her sad.

    And then, a brief meeting.  A brief meeting to tell her secrets that only she could hear, and to hear her stories that only he could hear.  A brief meeting that saw him full of torment from life's confusions, and saw her sad from trying to love those would couldn't love her back.  A brief meeting, that had nervously looking away from her when they spoke, not being to look directly at her.  Partially out of embarrassment about what he'd told her, and partially because he knew what it might lead to. 
     Once, he did look right at her.  He liked to, she was very pretty and even when she was sad, she could always manage a smile that was so genuine that it could make the coldest heart melt.  When he looked at her, he saw sadness in her eyes.  Those pretty blue eyes, the ones that seemed to go on forever when he looked at them, the eyes he missed staring into, the eyes that led right to her heart, they were filled with sadness and it made him weak.  In a move that was meant to be filled with innocence, and was intended to be a comfort, he touched her face and the back of her neck..  His goal was to provide comfort and let her know he cared and he found out for himself how much he did.  And soon after, the brief meeting that grew into two hours, was coming to an end.
     The meeting would end with a look into the endless depths of her piercing blue eyes that made feelings surface, and an overwhelming desire to kiss was replaced by a silly gesture and a nervous beeping of her nose.  This time was different though, and this time he left confused.

    When he left, he knew he still loved her (and she him), but this time he didn't know whether it was  in a romantic way.  He wanted to be in love with her, even though he knew it might destroy the most important friendship of his life.  He wanted to be in love with her, because that would mean that he still could love.  He wanted to be in love with her, because he wanted her to be in love with him.

     In the end... he didn't know what to think about any of it.  He didn't know if he was in love with her, he didn't know if she was in love with him, and all she noticed was a look.  The look she noticed right before the last time...
     Right before the last time they almost kissed.

    He may never know what his true feelings for her are, he may not ever let her know if he does figure them out.  It may not matter to him if he does, since he's never going to allow himself to love her that way again.  He knows he can make her happy now, since he's been through it twice before.  He knows what not to do, and what needs to be done.  He knows he can be the provider, caregiver, lover, friend, confidante, handyman, and other things she may need or want.  He also knows that she may not want it from him, and he knows that there's nothing he can to change that, and he'll never ask.

    The circumstances that brought them together are gone, the circumstances that split them have changed, and new ones have arisen.

    Once again, they remain... Separated by Circumstance